


Right where you left me

by offgunpointe



Category: Haikyuu!!, Iwaoi - Fandom, anime - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Falling Out of Love, Fluff, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Missed Chances, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:48:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29799030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/offgunpointe/pseuds/offgunpointe
Summary: After countless years, Oikawa came back on the exact place where he left his heart.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 8





	Right where you left me

**Author's Note:**

> Songs to listen to before and after this:
> 
> Taylor Swift - Right where you left me  
> Sam Smith - For the lover I lost  
> Over October - Alive  
> Kodaline - All I want  
> One direction - If I could fly  
> SYML - Where’s my love (Acoustic version)  
> Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler - This is how you fall in love  
> Ben&Ben - Masyado pang maaga  
> Spaces - One direction  
> Rice Lucido - Dalawang Tao
> 
> Hello I tried to make it as canon as I could so please excuse the moments were it wasn't. 
> 
> TW: Homophobia and Internalized Homophobia. Please take the rightful precautions before reading this, thank you!
> 
> (Please excuse all the grammatical errors that I have missed during the edits, thank you!)

****AFTER** **

“Iwa-chan” Oikawa called out, breathless, his feet anchored down to the ground, feeling like he couldn’t take another step towards the guy who’s smiling warmly at him.

“Hi” Iwaizumi replied, the slapping of the waves is loud against the cement that they are standing on and the hue from the sunset is phenomenal, taking him back to when he last met Iwaizumi’s eyes.

It’s the same eyes, the same place, but today it’s a different feeling.

A feeling he doesn’t know he could even learn how to explain. All he knows is that he could feel his heartbreaking all over again that he wants to scream.

“Never thought you’d come back here,” Iwaizumi said, taking a seat at his usual spot at the waterfront. This place looks and feels familiar, and if you ask Oikawa he would probably say that somehow, in some ways, this is the exact spot where he left his heart to.

“Yeah, well,” Oikawa said, sitting next to the man he once called his own. “I didn’t think you’d be here too”

Iwaizumi breathes in, “I never really left if that’s what you’re saying.” the words that Oikawa longs for escapes his mouth while scaring him all at the same time.

Oikawa could feel his lower lip unconsciously quivering before he spoke, his voice cracking, “You should have just left, you shouldn’t have waited” this time he couldn’t fight back the tears that are threatening to fall down.

His heart feels like it shattered into million pieces, for the nth time in this whole lifetime. How could he do such a thing to the person that means everything to him?

How could he just leave his heart astray?

“Why wouldn't I wait for you?” Iwaizumi admitted, looking back at him with their bitter past mirrored in his smile.

Oikawa shakes his head looking straight ahead, the water looks calmer than it ever was in contrast to what he feels on the inside, for a moment it even made him doubt if it’s real, “I was the one who left, I was the one who hurt you”

“And?” Iwaizumi chuckles, his shoulders moving from his hearty laugh, “That doesn’t really matter because I’m still here, I’m still here at the exact same place where you left me.”

“Still. You shouldn’t have”

“You told me to wait, and that’s just what I did”

* * *

****Before** **

“Iwa-chan wait for me!” Oikawa screams, trying so hard to catch his breath to match Iwaizumi’s pace. His limbs stretched to their limits and his breath uneven. Even though he’s taller than the guy, he just couldn’t match its speed right now that he just woke from taking a long nap in his last class, which is literature.

Iwa bursts out laughing, looking back at him, “Not my fault you’re such a bughead” he said before slowing down, maybe making Oikawa run after him for almost a block is enough for now. He stopped in front of the place that sells Milk bread, which he knows Oikawa loves, sometimes even more than he loves him.

“Yeah maybe it is my fault,” Oikawa answered when he was close enough to be heard, he fought his smile seeing how Iwa stopped in front of the store they always go to, “getting a boyfriend as annoying as you” He rolls his eyes jokingly, huffing out warm air into the crisp afternoon.

Iwaizumi smirks, bumping his shoulder to his boyfriend teasingly, “Come on, you don’t mean that” He laughs.

Oikawa pretended not to hear before buying their usual, milk bread for him and tofu for Iwaizumi, getting it like it's the most normal thing in the world, before taking it back to Iwaizumi who’s already seated on their usual spot.

“How was being the center of attention from yesterday’s match feels?” Iwa chuckles, remembering how Oikawa ate up all the attention he got from their practice match yesterday, it’s not even one of the official matches they will have, but Oikawa’s fangirls are already swarming up the place.

Not that it bothers him, it just baffles him how lucky he got with having Oikawa to call as his. Out of all the people that want to have Oikawa, it was him that Oikawa chose.

It feels like a dream, to say the least.

Oikawa clutches his chest dramatically, “Oh you know, as always, I couldn’t get enough of it” Oikawa rolls his eyes, mocking him.

Iwa laughs beside him, no wonder people view Oikawa as a self-centered captain that only feeds on people’s approval, and maybe that is how he is, but if it’s up to Iwa, he would say that Oikawa is just like everyone else, longing for something that will keep them going.

And he hopes that that would be him.

He hopes to be the one that will keep Oikawa running until the end of the race.

“You’re not too bad yourself” Oikawa continues, interrupting Iwa’s train of thoughts as he munch on his bread, not even bothering to swallow everything in his mouth before speaking, “I saw people scaling you up yesterday too” he finishes sassily.

Almost making Iwa laugh, he will never get tired of seeing this possessive side of his boyfriend.

“Well, that’s just because, they don’t know that I’m already with the love of my life that I would probably spend my whole life with” Iwaizumi stated, giving assurance that he knows Oikawa loves receiving, winking at Oikawa in the process.

“Well they better know their place or else”

“Or else what?”

“Or else I would throw balls on their heads” Oikawa admitted, his cheeks tinting red from the little spot of vulnerability he has to let out.

If there’s one thing Oikawa hates, it’s being vulnerable in the eyes of others, because vulnerability can disguise itself as a weakness, and he doesn’t want any of that. He doesn’t want anything to do with being weak.

“Or we could just tell the other-”

“Iwa please” He breathes out, cutting off Iwaizumi’s last sentence, he knows what Iwa will say and he doesn’t really want to deal with it since they’ve talked about this for a million times now.

“Okay, okay, I just wanted to see if there’s chance that you’ve changed your mind for even just a little” Iwaizumi admitted, shaking his head, what was he thinking trying to open that topic up when he already knows the answer.

There’s nothing he could say to change Oikawa’s mind anyway.

“You know how I feel about coming out” Oikawa sighs, he has always been an open person and there’s no doubt that he wears his heart in his sleeves but when it comes to his sexuality he couldn’t say a word.

Maybe it’s his fear of being judged or maybe he’s afraid that people will only start looking at that part of him instead of his whole being, nonetheless, the thought of it makes him uncomfortable.

It’s just not the time, yet.

“Plus, there’s no point in us screaming it out to other people anyway, we can just wait until college and then-”

“Then we can finally hold hands in front of people, is that it?” Now it’s Iwaizumi who’s cutting him off. Letting out a bitter undertone that he tried to keep for himself. He wants nothing more than to finally let the world know, that Oikawa is his, and he’s Oikawa’s.

Oh how great that would be, not having to hide anything, especially the good things in his life.

Oikawa is one of those great things that happened to him, and everything else are just things that came along with Oikawa.

“Yeah, I guess” Oikawa answered, looking down towards his hands, he really doesn’t want to get to this point but he just couldn’t get himself to gather up all the courage he needs to admit it to the world. “I really hope you’d understand that” he continues, looking up to meet Iwaizumi’s eyes which hold nothing other than endearment and understanding, which he’s so grateful to have, even though he expected to see a little disappointment in Iwa’s eyes.

“Of course” Iwaizumi nodded his head, smiling at Oikawa before his fingers found their way to the other’s hair, ruffling it. “I’m sorry, I shouldn't have said that when I know how you feel about it. I would gladly wait for you until you’re ready, don’t worry, you can take your time”

Oikawa smiles back, his heart fluttering in his chest, “Thank you” he mouthed, almost whispering it, afraid that if he said it out loud he wouldn’t be able to stop himself to shout it into the world.

* * *

Oikawa hums to the song that comes from the playlist Iwa made for him last week, he made sure that they listen to it together since he wants to share the moment with Iwa, and tonight they finally get the chance to be alone together in Iwai’s house, since his parents are away. His eyes are heavy due to the fingers combing his hair back, he smiles, letting Iwa know that this calms him before the fifth song finishes. 

“You’re a hopeless romantic aren’t you?” He smirks, not bothering to open his eyes as he enjoys the moment that they got with each other, his head resting on Iwaizumi’s lap. 

Not admitting what they have to others, makes Oikawa treasure these moments, even more, it’s not always he gets to do this with Iwa to his heart's content.

and it’s not everyday he gets to be seen as who he really is. 

“Can’t I just be a romantic? Why do I have to be hopeless too?” Iwaizumi chuckles, encouraging Oikawa to open his eyes, looking at the loving gaze that is pinning him down. 

“Maybe you’re right, but we don’t know that until we tried” Oikawa wiggles his eyebrows, his hands snaking their way on Iwa’s neck, pulling him closer so that their faces are only inches apart, and their breaths in sync. Oikawa smiles, looking towards his boyfriend’s lips before crossing the distance in-between. 

He closes his eyes once more, Iwa’s soft lips parting a little, giving him more freedom to be as close to Iwa as he wants to be.

Damn, this feels so good. 

Being with Iwa feels so good, and if only he could be honest to everyone and to himself, maybe he could do this with Iwa more often.

It didn’t take long before their lips move into a much more heated kiss, much more urgent, and much more breathtaking and after a few minutes Iwa pulls away, their noses bumping towards each other in the process, making Oikawa’s heart jump a little. 

“This song,” Iwaizumi stated, motioning towards the speaker next to them that Oikawa forgot is still playing. “This song reminds me of you” Iwa smiles down at him before gently pulling him into a seating position and onto his feet. Before Oikawa even know what’s happening, Iwa’s hands are already on his hips and they are swaying to the gentle song that is playing. 

_If I could fly_

_I'd be comin' right back home to you_

_I think I might_

_Give up everything, just ask me to_

He smiles before resting his head on Iwa’s shoulder, keeping up with the pace, his arms clasped on Iwa’s neck, with a noticeable smile plastered on his face. If he could paint a picture right now it would be a picture of a clear sky, because every time he looks up to see the pretty colors of sky, at that exact moment when the sun just rises, Iwa is the only one in his mind.

For most days, even the blurry ones, Iwa is his clarity. The one he understands and the one whom understands him most.

_For your eyes only_

_I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely_

_And forget who you are_

_I'm missing half of me_

_When we're apart_

_Now you know me_

_For your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

It's funny how they are both just in the middle of a poorly lit living room of Iwa’s house, but Oikawa feels like they’re on top of the world. All he could really think about right now is Iwa’s fingers gripping him tightly around the waist and Iwa’s soft humming of the song, that he later joined into, the both of them trying to harmonize with a song that they could probably call their own from now on, adding into the things that only the both of them knows. 

_I can feel your heart inside of mine_

_I feel it, I feel it_

_I've been goin' out of my mind_

_I feel it, I feel it_

_Know that I'm just wastin' time_

_And I hope that you don't run from me_

“What a sad song to associate me with” He stated all of a sudden, not moving from his current position and still maintaining the pace of their little dance, Iwa’s warmth radiating towards him, feeling like his favorite corner in the world. 

Iwaizumi didn’t answer instead he pulls away, boring his eyes into Oikawa’s before pressing his lips against the others, taking Oikawa by surprise but he didn’t protest as he tightens his hold on to Iwa’s neck, pulling their bodies closer to each other than it was from earlier. 

He didn’t think that they would be this kind of couple, the ones who can’t keep their hands to themselves, but with Iwa, he doesn’t really care at all, because regardless of the situation his heart would still stop every time Iwa’s lips find his.

It’s good to be with Iwa like this, even if what they have is for themselves alone. 

Shared with no one but themselves.

And seen with their eyes only.

* * *

“How do you do it?” Takahiro asks, laughing to himself, before taking off his jersey that is soaked with sweat and changing into another shirt.

Oikawa sighs, looking back towards his teammate that caught everyone’s attention, “Why don’t you ask them yourself” he scoffs, he’s getting tired of this kind of question. It’s not like the answer to this matters to him, he’s not that shallow.

“What is it about this time?” Iwaizumi asks nonchalantly after entering the locker room, sitting on one of those plastic benches.

“I was just asking Oikawa right here” Takahiro repeated, placing his hand on Oikawa’s shoulder, “On how come he could pull so many fangirls, sometimes even fanboys. I mean, there must be something that I’m doing wrong” he stated his question once more, earning a slap on the head from their captain.

“Maybe if you shower more often you could have some too” Oikawa fired back, earning a few laughs from the others seeing how Talahiro raise his arms to smell his armpits, encouraging a few whines and groans from the room.

“And who wouldn’t swoon over Oikawa, I mean, look at him?” Iwa asks unconsciously, not really minding the words that left his mouth due to the tiredness from their training, he takes off his shoes to change his socks before he realized. He looks up to see Oikawa already looking at him.

There was a moment where none of them spoke, making Oikawa’s heart race and sweat form on his forehead. It might now be a big deal since the others may not even pay attention to it, and those are just words, little words, but it still triggers fear inside of Oikawa’s mind. Before they know it they heard Issei chuckle, placing his arm over Iwaizumi’s shoulder. “This bromance really is something else, anyone who wants to form a bromance with me?” he asks jokingly before Oikawa forces a laugh, his head almost exploding from the anxiety that that gave him.

He’s not joking when he said that this situation makes him feel nervous, there’s just something about the uncertainty of how people will see him after they knew that scares him the most, and sadly no amount of appreciation for his boyfriend could beat that.

So it doesn’t really matter if he wants to scream on the rooftops of how much he loves Iwa or how proud he is with their progress as a couple, this fear is still anchoring him down even from small moments like this one.

He lets out a breath when he heard his friends talking about something else already, he tried to join in the conversation once or twice but he couldn’t ignore his hands that couldn’t stop shaking.

* * *

“I’m sorry” Iwaizumi whispers, looking straight ahead toward the sea from their usual place. The clouds are almost disappearing and the mountains ahead look small.

Everything around them just feels normal.

Almost too normal.

Oikawa sighs, “I’m not mad”

“But you got scared, I could almost feel it across the room. I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking at that time” Iwa explained, shaking his head before drawing circles on his palms.

“I just,” Oikawa paused, looking up towards Iwa’s direction, “I wish I could stop being so afraid, you know?” he said, even admitting this out loud doesn’t sit well with him.

“You could” Iwa reassures him, their hands finding each other before he felt Iwa squeezing his. “I’m always here for you and you know that, and what they’ll say wouldn’t matter anyway”

Oikawa nodded his head, if only it was this easy, then he would have done it even before but Iwaizumi’s shallow promises didn’t really make that much of a difference to him.

He is still afraid.

“Maybe someday” He started, looking straight ahead and into the setting sun, as if waving him goodbye along with the other thoughts swarming in his brain “Someday I’ll be able to tell others about you. Maybe someday I would be able to finally admit to the world how great you are”

Iwa nodded his head, letting Oikawa know that he understands where this is coming from and that he will always try to make him comfortable, “And as soon as that day comes, I’ll be right beside you, so don’t worry too much about it.”

Oikawa nodded his head softly, the waves from below the platform they are sitting from are almost reaching their feet. This is the place where they spent most of their days at, since it’s not near their school and typically not many people are around. He sighs, scooting closer to Iwa and resting his head over its shoulder.

“I think I should start practicing,” Iwa said before chuckling, placing a caring hand on top of Oikawa’s head.

“Practicing what?”

“Practicing what I would say to the people when we finally tell them” He answers, “I mean, where could I start?”

Oikawa laughs before saying his suggestions, “How about start on telling them how great I am and how lucky you are to have me?” He jokes, but Iwa doesn’t seem to be on the same page when he answered,

“I am aren’t I?” He answered in all seriousness, looking down on his shoulder to look at Oikawa, “I’m so lucky to have you.” he said, finally, pressing a soft kiss on Oikawa’s head, making his heart all giddy and such.

“As I am lucky to have you” Oikawa countered, looking up to match Iwa’s gaze, “And if only I could say it to everyone right now, I would, I really would, because you don’t deserve anything that is less than perfect and you deserve to be appreciated and loved out in the open,” he paused, swallowing the words he couldn’t say before he continues, “but there’s just some things that I have to deal with on my own before I could do that, even though every part of me wants to claim you as mine.”

Iwa nodded, smiling softly to his boyfriend, “You know what I’ll tell them when that day comes?” He asked raising one of his eyebrows, hearing Oikawa hum as if encouraging him to carry on before he speaks once again, “I would tell them of how much you annoyed me until I realized that you’re the one” He said, saying half-truths. “I would tell them that there wouldn’t be anything or anyone in this world that could make me happy more than you, and how amazing you are in all ways, even in little ways, even in ways that you get under my skin at times,” He said, laughing when Oikawa hits him on the chest.

“I would tell them how much I adore you, everything about you, even those that you don’t show the world.” He sighs, looking back at the sunset, the pretty colors have finally graced them with its presence. He loosens the tension that he didn’t know he was holding in his body, calming his whole being down before he continues, Oikawa just lending him his ears “I would finally admit how I love that more than anyone in this world, you chose me, to show parts of yourself completely and that I will always be grateful on how you never hesitate to be honest with me.”

Oikawa sits back up, his breath getting caught in his throat, he smiles wholeheartedly, hoping that Iwa would know of how much he means to him too.

Iwa took a deep breath searching for the perfect words to say, just to express how much Oikawa means to him before he carries on, “When that day, where we could finally face the world as each other, without any walls or fear, or anything, just us, without thinking, I would let anyone know how much I love you with all my heart.”

And with that Oikawa couldn’t help his tears from falling, averting his gaze from Iwa’s eyes. Sometimes he still gets shy when he gets vulnerable when he’s with Iwa, (which is most of the times) because when he’s with Iwa, vulnerable is all he is.

And there is still this little hole of guilt that is lingering in his heart, to have such an amazing lover and no courage at all.

Iwaizumi chuckles, reaching out to pull him into an embrace, one where he almost couldn’t breathe, “I’m sorry for making you cry” he groans from the teasing remarks coming from the person who just wrecked his heart.

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, with just Oikawa’s soft sobs filling the air before he decided to break the silence, “I love you” He replied, sitting up and forcing Iwa to look at him, “and I’m sorry for making you wait like this, I wish I’m as brave as you. I wish I could let those words out of my mouth with all pairs of eyes looking at me, and when that day finally comes around where I could finally say that I’m ready, I will let everyone hear of how amazing you are and how you mean the world to me”

Iwaizumi smiles at him, feeling the comfort of those words embrace his whole being, the breeze hitting their bodies and the sky is clear, like it approves of them.

Like in some ways they are accepted, fully, completely, and bare.

Iwa didn’t hesitate as he reaches for Oikawa’s face, wiping the tears that are honest and telling before he moves closer to place a peck on Oikawa’s lips, feeling the other smile against the kiss.

And with that, they spent the rest of their afternoon whispering quiet vows to each other.

* * *

“I hate you,” Oikawa said, his fingers shaking, sometimes he really couldn’t stand his Boyfriend who’s standing in front of him with the widest grin he could ever imagine.

There was a moment of silence that passed by them before Iwaizumi bursts out laughing, seeing Oikawa pout with cake icing all over his face and a bow on his head. They are both insides of his bedroom, celebrating their first two years together as different halves of the same soul.

“You know you love me” Iwa smirks, crossing the distance between them that was created when he tried to put more cream on Oikawa’s face.

Oikawa rolls his eyes, “You’re lucky I do, or else”, he said trying to wipe as much icing as he can before he felt Iwa’s arms snaking around his waist.

“Or else what?” Iwa challenged, their noses almost touching, the warmth of their breaths grazing each other.

If there’s one thing that Oikawa couldn’t ignore, its challenges, especially when it’s from Iwa. Right now his mind is clouded with Iwa’s tight grip on his waist and its sweet smile that he couldn’t get enough of.

He bit his lower lip, his eyes trailing from his boyfriend's eyes down to its lips, he couldn’t help but smile at the forming tension between that you could probably cut with a knife.

He breathes in, moving his face closer to Iwa’s as if testing the waters. If this was any other day he would have smacked the back of Iwa’s head for being such a tease, as it wouldn’t move closer to him as if looking to see if he’s brave enough to close the gaps.

And of course, he is.

He thought before he reaches into the back of Iwa’s head, pressing their lips together as if it’s the first time. His stomach churns when he felt Iwa smile against his lips like the arrogant person that he is, the one who always gets into Oikawa’s nerves but somehow still makes his knees weak.

He didn’t have the chance to stop the whine from coming out of his lips when Iwa’s lips started moving torridly against his before moving towards his cheeks and down to his neck, their bodies pressed against each other and before Oikawa even knew it, Iwa already pulled away, a hint of white icing on the corners of his mouth.

“That cake really is good” Iwa teased, licking the sides of his mouth.

“Ew” Oikawa protested, scrunching his nose in the process, hitting Iwa in the arms, “You’re disgusting”

“Really? I thought it was sexy” Iwa laughs, going back to the little table in his room to get some tissue papers, giving some to Oikawa before helping him to wipe his face.

“As if” Oikawa chuckles, throwing the used tissue paper back to his partner before plopping onto the bed behind him. His head resting on his arms, hoping that no icing residue will get into Iwa’s bed. “Thank you for the wonderful two years, Iwa-chan,” he said quietly, closing his eyes.

“Why are you saying it like that?” Iwa asks, picking up all the mess they made from the little feast they share with each other from earlier.

“Like what?” Oikawa asks back, tilting his head to the side even though he’s not sure if Iwa could see.

“Like you’re saying goodbye.”

Oikawa sat right up, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes widened. “What? No! What are you even saying?”

Iwaizumi chuckles, “It just sounds so final”

Oikawa shakes his head, “Uh no, what the fuck?” he answered, looking down at the sheets, that’s a thought he never even crossed his mind for even once.

Being without Iwa is something he couldn’t imagine ever, he couldn’t even see himself with someone else even if he tries, because even the thought of it pains him, how could they talk about something like this today out of every day that they spent together?

_A world without Iwa._

He shakes his head trying to get the things that is already running through his mind.

“Okay I’m sorry, I’m just kidding,” Iwa said when he saw that Oikawa is already overthinking it, concern rising to his face before he crouches down to meet Oikawa’s eyes.

“That’s not funny” Oikawa exclaimed, slapping his shoulder.

“I know,” Iwa said pulling Oikawa into a hug, “I know, it was a bad joke I’m sorry”

Oikawa sighs, letting out the breath that he was holding, “I just wanted to thank you for these couple of years and you turned it into farewells” he crosses his arms over his chest, his eyes shooting daggers.

“I am grateful too” Iwa reassures him, patting his hair down, “Thank you, baby, for those wonderful years of my life” He smiles, making Oikawa’s heart jump inside his chest, apparently the things he was overthinking awhile ago vanished, just like that.

Plus, he could never get used to being called baby or any other cute names because If it was from another couple he would have scoffed at how cheesy it is, but because it’s from Iwa he could listen to it a couple endless times times and not get tired of it.

“Can you do me a favor?” He asks, his fingers lacing themselves to Iwa’s. When he heard Iwa hum he took it as a sign to continue. “Could you give me more years to thank you for?” He asks, earning a smile from the latter.

“Of course” Iwa answers, “Of course I would, is that even a question? It could be lifetimes after lifetimes for all I care, I would stay as long as you want me to”

Oikawa smiles, “I want you to.” He said with sureness in his tone, “I want to be with you even if it’s for eternity.”

* * *

 ****AFTER** ** ****

“Did you really mean what you said before?” Iwaizumi asks, his whole weight leaning on his hands that is plastered on the concrete docks right beside the water. The waves seems so uncertain today, like how Oikawa felt about going back to this place.

Unsure and with chaos upon himself.

“About what?” He asks, quietly, watching the mountains in front of them that are creating shadows as the sun takes its leave.

“That you want to be with me for eternity” Iwa answers, getting shy at how the words came out of his mouth like there was an unspoken rule to not say it out loud.

“Well yeah,” Oikawa answered, not even giving himself time to really think about it. Out of all the things that he said, that is the only thing that he was sure of.

He loves Iwa, sometimes even more than himself, and there’s no doubt that he would have spent his whole life with Iwa if it wasn’t just for the fear that was holding him back.

Iwa nodded, that’s the only thing that he wants to hear from Oikawa because somehow that is enough for him to let go of things.

To let go of any regrets.

“I wish I could have shouted to the world of who you are to me” Oikawa shakes his head, he didn’t think these words would leave his mouth once more after everything that has happened. “I would have boasted about the things that you made me feel and how you make me look forward to every day, but I was,” He paused, looking at the small rock between his hands, that he found near the spot that they are sitting at, before throwing it into the ocean.

“I was a coward back then and I can’t really say that I changed now, there’s still fear and regrets anchoring me down, I’m sorry” He continues, looking at the guy sitting comfortably beside him.

“I’m sorry Iwa”

* * *

****BEFORE** **

College doesn’t seem so intimidating for Oikawa, he didn’t really encounter any severe anxiety with adjusting to the new campus and with the new people around him so to say that he’s enjoying his time might be an understatement, even though there is a slight longing that occurs to him whenever he thinks of his old team, a lot of them are now in different colleges, too far to even spend the weekend together.

Iwa sighs, flipping the pages of his textbook, “You know I can’t really understand this one professor of mine” he said, shaking his head.

“Why?” Oikawa asks, his eyes not leaving his reviewer, their first exam in college is now approaching and the fear that comes with it is getting stronger each day. It’s the thought of not knowing what methods or techniques their professors would use while making and checking their exams that are getting to his head, he can’t flunk his first semester.

“It’s just that his methods are kind of confusing” Iwa groans, placing his head on top of his book, resting his eyes for a while.

Oikawa taps Iwa’s right shoulder, “Get up, didn’t we say we’ll ace our exams together?” he said, sounding like a concerned parent.

Iwa groans as an answer, not making an effort to move.

“Iwaizumi Hajime, get up” He tried once more, nudging Iwa’s shoulder a little harder but his voice remaining quiet, getting kicked out of the library right now is really not ideal.

Iwa groans once again, “Let me just take a nap for five minutes, please. Plus, we have been here for hours now, maybe it’s time for us to go back to the comfort of our rooms” He protested quietly, his eyes still closed.

Oikawa sighs, “Fine”, letting it go before the librarian even hears them. He looks at his watch, maybe Iwa is right, maybe it’s time for them to get back to the dorms.

He goes back to the one he’s reading from earlier, trying to understand his own messy handwriting and memorize some of the other stuff, tapping his pencil on his temple to try and make sense out of the things he’s learning and before he knows it it’s already past the five minutes he gave Iwa. He lifted his hand to once again shake some consciousness to his boyfriend before he heard someone speak, sitting from his side.

“Hi,” A guy he never interacted with before said, smiling at him before looking towards his sleeping boyfriend.

“Hi” He replied, trying not to be a snob, remembering that he promised himself that he would try to make more friends in college.

“You’re Oikawa right?” The guy asks, shooting him a friendly nod. The guys is pretty straight forward and he still doesn’t know what to feel about that.

“Yeah, and you are?” He said trying to sound so bitchy as he drags the “are”

“Oh I’m Wakatoshi Ushijima, I just wanted to say hi because I think we share the same minor courses”

“Oh yeah, that’s why you look familiar,” He said, smiling and nodding his head.

“And this is?” The new guy asks, looking towards Iwa who still has his head on top of his thick book, a little too werid to ask about someone he doesn’t have any relations to.

“Oh this is, Iwa, Iwaizumi Hajime” He introduced not sure why he’s doing so but he already did even before it registered in his mind, he took a pause to look at Iwa’s head before continuing, “My friend”

Ushijima nodded before saying his farewell, “Well I just stopped by to introduce myself, nice to meet you, I’ll see you around” and with that, the guy stood up once more, retreating towards the exit, leaving Oikawa with his incomprehensible notes and his unmotivated boyfriend.

* * *

“What do you want to eat later?” Iwaizumi asks, trying to catch Oikawa’s attention that is still on his phone.

“Oh god, I haven’t told you yet, I don’t think I’ll be home early tonight” Oikawa said finally looking up from his device. All of these organization group chats aren’t giving him a break.

“Why? Where are you going?” Iwa asks out of pure curiosity.

“We have to reorganize the booth since there’s a lot of revisions that was done with our proposal” He sighs, remembering all the things that they have to redo. Joining a lot of organization si finally taking its toll on him. “god I can’t even imagine the time we’ll spend to do all of that again”

“Oh okay, I guess I could use the time to go over some of my assignments” Iwa nodded, earning another sigh from Oikawa.

“I’m sorry” He said earnestly, “I didn’t think it would be this stressful. I’m could barely spend time with you too”

Iwa chuckles, opening his arms for a hug before remembering that they’re in public, so instead he just bumps his shoulder to Oikawa, “It’s okay, I think I need some alone time with my school works too, so this works for the both of us I guess.”

“Thank you” Oikawa said, appreciating his lover’s understanding and patience, “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

Iwa smiles, comforting Oikawa with his small gestures. “You don’t have to, I understand, college could be stressful”

Oikawa breathes out a sigh of relief, “Yeah it is, but I’m really lucky to have you”

“You are, aren’t you” Iwa teased before splitting up with Oikawa once again.

The university version of Oikawa is something else, but though there are times when they couldn’t find time for each other he understands that it’s nothing they both wanted and he couldn’t ignore how proud he is with Oikawa, joining organizations left and right while juggling it with school works.

But he sure do has to get used to this.

* * *

Iwa wipes his sweaty palms on his pants, looking around the restaurant to see no one he knew except for Oikawa who dragged him into this hangout session, saying that they don’t spend enough time with each other. 

Everyone in the group is from one of Oikawa’s university organizations, alienizing Iwa even more. Looking at them, they don’t seem like Iwa’s circle. They all seem obnoxiously loud and arrogant but if Oikawa found a place in this group then maybe he could try to understand. He sits still, forcing a laugh every now and then when someone says a joke, trying to get along with Oikawa’s new world. 

He was about to say an input with the conversation when they heard someone talking from another table from behind, loud enough for their table to hear clearly.

_“Did you hear that he’s now in a relationship with another guy?”_

Iwa didn’t even have to look at Oikawa to know how he’s reacting to this. This is the least they could have right now. 

_“Really? What a shame, he was cute too”_ The other one said almost piercing his ears in the process. Shameless people, talking about these things out in public. 

_“Why is it always the cute guys who are also into guys, damn it.”_ The other one groans, making him lift his head to check up on Oikawa who’s too good at hiding what he’s really feeling, but Iwa always knows what’s hiding behind that mask. 

“That’s why you guys have to get yourself a girlfriend soon before people think of you otherwise,” Someone from their group said, Iwa looks towards the direction of where that was coming from only to see one of the pricks he didn’t really like, of course, he would say something like that. “Any updates on your current relationships, huh, guys?” Too enthusiastic for Iwa’s liking.

“How about you Oikawa? You got yourself a girlfriend?” the guy continues to asks. Iwa could feel his ears heating up, if this was before he would have stood up to wipe that grin out of that prick’s face, but he knows how Oikawa would hate that so he kept his mouth shut. 

Oikawa clears his throat before speaking, “I don’t really have one right now.”

“Why? Girls go crazy for you. Wait, don’t tell me you play for the other team?” The guys chuckle, sipping from his drink, not really aware of what he could cause with what he’s saying.

“What?” Oikawa said, trying to mask the shakiness from his voice before he answers the first thing that came to mind, “I just haven’t been interested in anyone lately” he answered, regretting it as soon as it left his mouth, but words are like toothpaste in a tube, there really is no way of getting it back to where it was once you pushed it out.

“You’re joking right?” The guy still carries on, making almost everyone uncomfortable. This is is neither helpful nor entertaining for anyone, but no one seems to have enough care to stop the guy from blabbering nonsense. “You gotta get out there buddy, if I were you I would have. Do you want me to set you up with someone?” He continues, Oikawa’s pretty sure that everyone stopped listening at this point, except for him and the most important person in his life, the one who’s not supposed to hear any of this shit if we’re being honest, but like a small fire in the middle of the woods, he couldn’t stop the words from coming out. 

“You will?” He said, trying to avoid eye contact. He knows that what he’s saying is wrong on so many levels and that this has gotten way too far, but it's like his mind is telling him one thing and his mouth is saying another. 

The guy he was talking to smirks, “Of course, what do you think of me?” he chuckles before proceeding to give Oikawa a number he doesn’t really give a single fuck to. 

The rest of the dinner felt stale, and he couldn’t really taste anything from the food that he ordered, as well as he hasn’t catch Iwa’s eyes for the past thirty minutes and before he even knows it they were walking back to their dorms without a single word being said. 

He looks up to see branches of trees from the different sides of the quiet road, connecting in the middle but not really touching each other, he might have read this from somewhere, where basically even trees know boundaries of each other which is a phenomenon called crown shyness. He sighs, even trees know when they’re stepping the line, and he feels quite ashamed that today he might have failed to do so. 

“Iwa-chan,” He said softly, stopping dead on his tracks, watching as Iwa continues to walk away, not even sparing him a glance. He took a couple of steps to match Iwa’s. “Hey,” he said, reaching out to grab Iwa by the arm, forcing it to look at him. 

“Are you okay?” He asks. That was a dumb question, he knows, but what else is there to say? 

Iwa scoffs, shaking his head at him, “Yeah” he answered, prying his arm off of Oikawa’s hands before starting his way once again. 

“Iwa please” Oikawa pleaded, trying to get in front of his boyfriend to catch its attention. He took a deep breath when Iwa stopped walking, looking back at him and waiting for the things that he has to say, “Are we okay?” he tries to ask once again, earning a glare from Iwa. 

“Yeah, I guess” Iwa forces out. 

“Oh come on, you know I didn’t mean any of that” He tries to explain but it only looks like he’s adding fuel to the fire. “Right?” he continues when Iwa didn’t answer. 

“Right,” Iwa replied, his voice stern and his eyes on anywhere except on Oikawa. “So what exactly do you mean?” Iwa asks. 

“You know what I-”

“No. Apparently, I don’t anymore,” Iwa said, cutting him off. “I don’t know what you mean Oikawa. I don’t know what you mean when you said that we’ll finally get to be free once we entered college and it’s the second semester and we’re still here. At this damn bubble that you created for us.” He said, taking Oikawa by surprise, this is not the first time that they’ve talked about this but this is the first time that Oikawa saw this look on Iwa’s face. 

Iwa scratches the back of his head, pulling lightly on a couple strands of hair, “I don’t know what you mean when you took that phone number from that prick and I have no fucking idea what you mean when you introduced me as your friend for yet another stranger.” He explained trying to catch his breath, from the things he has been bottling up. “Oikawa I-” he looks at the ground trying to compose himself. 

“I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. What are we to you, huh? What exactly are we doing here?” He asks, his voice small and full of hesitation. 

“You know the answer to that.” 

“I wouldn’t ask if I knew” Iwa, release a breath, his whole body relaxing. 

“We’re still us. We’re still together” Oikawa tries to explain, ashamed of how he couldn’t say the words that Iwa was asking straight up. “Iwa I love you, you know that, I really hope you do,” he says, reaching out his hand to try and hold Iwa’s hand before it diverted it in another direction. 

Iwa sighs, “I did. I did know that” he replied, taking another step backward. “But right now, I just, I’m not sure anymore,” he said finally before turning his back and walking away from Oikawa. 

* * *

The sound of waves is loud and frequent as Oikawa takes another step towards the end of the docks where he knows Iwa would have been, and of course, as always, he was right. Iwa is right at the exact place where he’s always sitting, but this time with a couple of bottles of beer next to him. 

“Hey,” Oikawa said quietly, not really wanting to stir something up. Iwa nodded to acknowledge his presence but not really speaking. 

“Mind sharing those?” He said, referring to the beers. 

“Go get your own” Iwa said, chugging one before Oikawa reached out to get him some, opening it before sipping from it. His feet dangling from the edge. 

“I’m sorry Iwa,” He said after a while, “I’m sorry for everything that happened” 

“What exactly happened?” This time it was Iwa’s turn to ask, looking straight ahead. This is exactly his problem, he doesn’t know how to get angry at Oikawa for that long. 

“Oh come on, you’re going to make me revisit those?” 

Iwa raises his eyebrows, offended by how Oikawa’s acting but not really taking it by heart, “You’re the one who did all of those things, dumbass” 

“Well, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t take your feelings into consideration and I’m sorry that I took that girl’s number” Oikawa explained in a soft voice that Iwa couldn’t resist. 

“And?” Iwa said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“What? There’s more?” Oikawa jokes, earning an eye roll from Iwa. “Fine, I’m sorry that I have been so busy that I don’t get to spend time with you anymore.” He finally said. “I’ll try to say no to dinner parties from now on” 

“As you should,” Iwa said, caving in. 

There was a half-minute where they just sat there, drinking beers and enjoying each other’s presence before Oikawa reaches out to his pocket, pulling out his phone before searching for the song. 

_If I could fly_

_I'd be comin' right back home to you_

_I think I might_

_Give up everything, just ask me to_

“Very cute, stealing my move now, huh? You won’t get me with just a song mister” Iwa chuckles but still humming with the song that moment it started.

The soft music plays, echoing to the place that they claim as theirs. The sweet melody taking Oikawa back to the first time they danced to this song, making him regret how they didn’t change for even just a little bit since then, with Iwa’s words ringing in his mind. 

“It’s the second semester and we’re still here. At this damn bubble that you created for us.”

Iwa’s right, never changing could be good but there are times where it’s just suffocating, not being able to experience new things, and he will admit that it is all his fault, well, there’s no doubt in that. For a brief moment, he thought that what they have is enough because for him it is, maybe he read Iwa wrong all these time, maybe what Iwa meant by saying that he will wait is not forever after all, and he couldn’t really expect him too. 

_Pay attention, I hope that you listen_

_'Cause I let my guard down_

_Right now I'm completely defenseless_

He sighs, how do the other people do it? How could do they just open themselves up to the world that easily? 

Because he has been trying to do so for the longest time but still, he couldn’t. 

Some say that with love, you can do it all, but he’s pretty sure that he loves Iwa, there’s no denying that, but here he is, containing the both of them to this comfort zone. Afraid that once the sunlight hits them, they will be fingers pointed at them and mouths talking about them like they committed an unforgivable crime. 

_For your eyes only_

_I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely_

_And forget who you are_

_I'm missing half of me_

_When we're apart_

_Now you know me_

_For your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

He took a deep breath, the smell of the ocean fills his nostrils before he stood up reaching his hand out to Iwa. 

Iwa glares at him, “What now?” he spat

“Dance with me?” He said, smiling down at the love of his life. 

“I don’t want to” Iwa pouts, making Oikawa chuckles at how he looks thinking he was cute. 

Rolling his eyes, he pulls Iwa into his feet, before placing his arms around Iwa’s neck, pulling them close. 

“You’re so cheesy” Iwa complained but still tightening his arms around Oikawa’s waist. 

“I got it from you” Oikawa winks, swaying to the soft sound of the music. It’s dark out so no one would really see them at this time of the night. He rested his head onto Iwa’s shoulder, taking in the scent that he longs for every now and then. 

His mind wanders if this was daylight and if there are people around is he going to be brave enough to be like this?

Is he going to be sure enough to enjoy this moment? 

That he could only ask himself.

_I've got scars_

_Even though they can't always be seen_

_And pain gets hard_

_But now you're here and I don't feel a thing_

_Pay attention, I hope that you listen_

_'Cause I let my guard down_

_Right now I'm completely defenseless_

_For your eyes only_

_I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely_

_And forget who you are_

“I love you” He whispers, hoping that he could somehow reassure Iwa for even just a little. 

“I love you too, but I don’t know if I could wait that long Oikawa” Iwa whispers, sending shivers down his spine and challenging his mind. 

He didn’t reply, he doesn’t want to let go of promises he doesn’t mean, instead he just pulls Iwa even closer. 

* * *

****AFTER** **

“By chance, were you ashamed of me?” Iwa asks, pulling on Oikawa's heartstrings. Making his head spin a little, he didn’t want to hear any of these.

“No” He exclaimed, “How could you say that? Of course that’s not the case”

Iwa sighs, “I really tried not to feel like that, you know? But sometimes I just couldn’t help it” he answered honestly.

“I know, and for that I couldn’t really forgive myself” Oikawa answers, thinking of all the missed chances that haunts him.

“Why? Don’t you think it’s time to forgive ourselves from all of that? I mean, I forgive you.” Iwa said, spreading warmth into Oikawa’s heart. “Oikawa,” he said breathing out.

“What’s life if we’re just going to run backwards? Do yourself a favor and set yourself free from all of those.”

_Set myself free huh, I don think I’m even close to that._

* * *

****BEFORE** **

“Don’t move too much, I’m getting dizzy” Oikawa complained, trying to stop the Ferris wheel cart from moving because of Iwa.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Iwa fired back, moving to the other side once again.

“Whatever” Oikawa shakes his head, looking outside of the window, the place looks amazing, colorful lights everywhere and there’s a lot of food that they could try later. After a couple of tries Iwa finally convinced him to go to this fair, which is not really his scene but it’s fun so far.

“Have you made up your mind?” He asks, remembering the offer that Iwa just received earlier.

“I told you, I’m not taking it,” Iwa said, sighing as he was reminded of the decision he has to make. Earlier today, he was offered something that was really hard to decline but he has to prioritize things that are most important to him.

“Why not? It’s a great offer” Oikawa said in all seriousness.

“Says the guys who probably couldn’t handle long distance,” Iwa stated, thinking of how they would be when he goes to Thailand where the offer takes place in and Oikawa in here.

Oikawa huffs, crossing his arms over his chest, “What do you think of me? Of course, I would. We can try you know? This is a huge opportunity for you, it would be a waste not to take it”

“There’s a lot more opportunity out there for me, don’t worry too much about that”

“I just don’t want to hold you back,” Oikawa said, meeting his eyes, to let him know that he’s serious about this.

“You aren’t, plus, we don’t know how long it would take me to come back”

“So?”

“So we’ll be apart for that long” He explained like Oikawa just lost his mind even considering it.

“That’s what technologies are for, we can still talk every single night if you want.” Oikawa paused, scratching the back of his neck, “I just want you to think this through”

“Yeah and I did, I’ve made my decision and that is to stay here.” Iwa answered earnestly, the ride almost coming to an end, “I’m not going anywhere,” He said, not knowing what the future holds for the both of them.

Is he making the right decision? That, he’s not sure of, all he knows is that he doesn’t have to think about it because he should already knows the answer.

It’s Oikawa, it’s always Oikawa that comes first.

Oikawa nodded, “Okay, but if you ever change your mind-”

“I won’t”

* * *

“Iwa it’s starting!” Oikawa exclaimed, placing his feet on top of the table in front of him, staring directly at the television in front of him.

Iwa entered the room with a bowl of popcorn in his hands, plopping beside Oikawa. “Did I miss something?” Iwa asks, looking at the game playing at the screen.

“Not much, CA just earned a point that’s it” Oikawa answered, getting fired up at the game. This is the start of the tournament that Iwa was supposed to go to if he didn’t just decline the offer.

The game really is something else, rekindling their forgotten, no not exactly forgotten but set aside, love for volleyball. It didn’t take long before they are both screaming at the screen, rooting for the team that they chose to side with. Popcorns flying everywhere and cheers and boos echoing the room.

Oikawa looks at his side to see Iwa almost getting sucked by the television as he was so into the game unfolding behind him.

_Is there really no regrets here?_ He thought to himself as he watches Iwa’s eyes almost sparkle at what he’s watching.

He really looks happy, why didn’t he just go? Why does he even have to make a decision?

He’s holding Iwa back from a lot of things and he doesn’t really know what to do about it.

“Damn it” Iwa screams when his supposed team missed a point. Oikawa makes his way towards where Iwa is, embracing the guy from the side as tight as he could, though Iwa is not really paying that much attention to him right now.

He’s so grateful to have Iwa but he just wishes that Iwa wouldn’t have to make sacrifices every time.

He wishes Iwa doesn’t have to choose every time.

His train of thoughts were cut when he felt Iwa placing a soft peck on his head, when the game took a timeout, “Let’s sit down” Iwa smiled, looking down at him, before they both went back to the sofa, him resting his head on Iwa’s chest until they finish the game.

The game that was so amazing and exciting that Iwa could have taken a part of.

* * *

****AFTER** **

****

“Did you ever wish that you could have done things differently?” Oikawa asks, taking his time with every word, in contrast to Iwa’s firm answer.

“No”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t really want to have any regrets in life, it will just get me nowhere” Iwa elaborated, “Do you?”

Oikawa took a moment before answering, is he ready to face this part of himself for the last time?

Is he even ready to admit it out loud?

But he knows he at least owe this to Iwa,

“Yeah, every single day”

* * *

****BEFORE** **

Iwa has no words left to say, they just came back home from the groceries and he couldn’t believe Oikawa. He couldn’t believe that they are still in this same exact place they did years ago.

“Really? Until now?” Iwa said his voice ice cold.

“What do you want me to do?” Oikawa fires back, setting the groceries on their kitchen counter before pulling his hair, “Are we back to this, huh? Aren’t you tired?”

“Aren’t you?” Iwa sighs, pacing back and forth while looking at the ground.

“Those people, they know my parents. What do you want me to say? “Hey this is Iwaizumi Hajime, my boyfriend, and oh, we’re also living with each other right now, please don’t tell my fucking parents” Oikawa exclaimed, pushing Iwa more into the edge.

“Yes! That’s exactly what I want you to say, and frankly, that’s exactly what you should have said, I don’t know what goes into that brain of yours”

“It’s not that easy-” Oikawa started, sitting on one of their chairs.

“Fuck easy!” Iwa screams, startling Oikawa in the process, “We’ve always taken the easy route, it’s” He stopped talking, thinking of the words he really wants to say. “It’s suffocating! I can’t fucking breathe Oikawa, what the fuck are we doing?”

“You said you were willing to wait,” Oikawa said, his voice stern, tired, and empty.

“I am. I was! But until when? Tell me!” Iwa continues taking a step close to Oikawa, “Tell me, huh, until when are we going to hide from others? Until when are we going to keep this up? Because to be honest I’m sick of it” Iwa said, making Oikawa look up from the table he’s been staring at, only to be welcomed with tears that are forming at the side of Iwa’s eyes.

“I’m sick of this, I’m sick of trying to pretend that this is okay. That this will someday come to an end, because, fuck! Oikawa I don’t think that this is going to end anytime soon. I’m getting tired of trying to give everything that I fucking have for someone who wouldn’t even introduce me right to other people. I’m sick of being hidden Oikawa, I can’t breathe”

Oikawa stares at Iwa, trying to collect himself, he doesn’t have enough energy left in him to argue about this again.

“I tried. I tried so fucking hard to be okay with this because I love you! I fucking love you! I wish you could say the same to me too”

“What are you saying? You don’t even make any sense now, I love you! How many times do I need to fucking say it for you to believe me?”

Iwa chuckles bitterly, “Not as much as you love the idea of being perfect in the eyes of others and apparently not enough for you to be honest.” he said, breathless from all the screaming he’s done, which is beginning to be a nightly ritual for the both of them ever since moving in together.

“I should have taken all the opportunities that came my way if we’re going to end up like this” Iwa said with no sign of regret with the words he’s spitting out.

“Oh so now it’s my fault that you didn’t go to Thailand? Now it’s my fault because I’m holding you back? Fuck you! I didn’t beg you to stay, it was your fucking choice”

“I’m just saying that I made a mistake staying” Iwa admitted before the room turned completely silent that you could hear their unsynchronized breathing.

“You know what?” Oikawa said, his face blank from emotions, “I wish you did”

Iwa looks up to see nothing but spite on Oikawa’s emotions.

“I wish you did leave,” Oikawa said, not bothering if this is going to leave a permanent scar between them. What’s done is done.

Iwa breathes out and without saying anything he grabbed his keys before leaving their unit.

His retreating back looking too familiar for Oikawa these days, so familiar that he’s already getting used to it.

* * *

A few hours after Iwa left, Oikawa heard his phone ringing, he doesn’t really want to pick it up but it was the third time that it rang so he made his way towards the bedroom to pick up his phone, seeing Ushijima calling him before he answered.

“Hello?”

“Oikawa?”

“Yes? What is it?” He asks, not wanting to drag whatever this is.

“Do you have some free time maybe? Let’s go for some coffee” Ushijima replied, a little hesitant with how he chooses his words. Oikawa looks around, maybe it’s better for him to leave this place for a while, so he answered,

“Okay, where exactly?”

* * *

Oikawa looks at his reflection in the window beside him waiting for Ushijima to get back with their drinks. He tried to look as decent as he could but the bags under his eyes are saying otherwise.

He couldn’t really pinpoint where things went wrong with him and Iwa but it feels like he just woke up one day and suddenly they felt a little different towards each other. He’s not trying to come clean, he knows exactly what they did wrong, what he did wrong, but what is he supposed to do with?

A relationship is bound to be taken care of with both parties anyway.

It is sad, it’s sad that there are days where they just spend not talking to each other, or when they do they’ll end up screaming to prove their point. What’s between him and Iwa doesn’t feel safe anymore, and he can’t believe he’s saying this, their relationship feels like an empty home.

No one is there to listen anymore and they just got tired of trying and they’re really not making an effort to fix shit anymore.

He sighs, seeing Ushijima’s reflection approaching, a tray with beverages in his hand. He doesn’t know what to call Ushijima, he's not really a friend but they share a couple of conversations in between classes and that’s just it, that’s why he’s kind of confused on why Ushijima called him to meet today, and if he didn’t want to have an excuse to leave the unit then he would have declined.

“Hey” Ushijima smiles, sitting in front of him after placing their drinks on the table.

“Hi, why did you call me here?” He asks, reaching out for his drink to set it on the spot right in front of him.

“I just wanted to ask how you’re doing I guess” Ushijima answered sheepishly, “Are you okay?”

Damn, does he look that bad?

“I’m fine,” he said, not really elaborating on it. “Is that really why you call me here?”

“Well,” Ushijima hanged, looking down on his coffee before stirring it with a small spoon. “I just, I hear that you played volleyball in high school?” Ushijima tilted his head, not wanting to be sound awkward.

“Yeah, why?”

“Please don’t think it’s creepy-”

“Too late,” He said, chuckling a little.

“Well too bad,” Ushijima laughs before he continues, “I did a little research, I promise It’s not stalking, I just wanted to know your record in volleyball because I have something to ask you”

Oikawa furrowed his eyebrows, “What is it?”

“I heard that you were pretty good and I know someone who is currently recruiting a team of players, including me, to go to Brazil.”

Oikawa swallows, not really knowing where exactly this is going though he has an idea. “And?”

“I was wondering if you want me to refer you to him. I think it will be fun to have someone I know in the team and you’re the first one that came into mind” Ushijima smiles, “So what do you think?”

Oikawa took a deep breath, Brazil is too far, that’s why he’s surprised that this decision doesn’t feel too hard for him to make. 

* * *

Oikawa breathes out, what Ushijima is asking him is something that could either make him or break him, but it's all a matter of perspective anyway, he thought as he walks towards where their unit and before he saw Iwaizumi sitting on the floor in front of it, he rushes towards Iwa to check up on it before he realized that the other guy is just drunk, judging by the smell the reeks from it. 

Oikawa shakes his head, Iwa wasn’t like this before, though he drinks, he made sure not to reach the point where he passes out even before entering their unit. 

But a lot has changed since then, and a lot of things have turned unrecognizable.

Sometimes even Iwa, and sometimes even the reflection of Oikawa in the mirror. 

Iwa groans when Oikawa lifted his arm to guide him inside, they stumble for a little before they finally made their way into the place. Oikawa dragged him towards the couch before laying him down, looking at his face that has turned red from the alcohol he consumed. 

“Come on Iwa, give me something” 

_Give me a reason to stay._

Iwa groans, opening his eyes, his eyelids droopy as he stares at the guy who’s staring down at him. 

“You hate me” He slurs, before Oikawa looks down t his feet, what has become to them? “You said you wouldn’t but you do” Iwa continues, pulling on Oikawa’s heartstrings. 

He couldn’t protest since he’s not completely opposed to the words that are being thrown at him.

Maybe he does hate Iwa or maybe he doesn’t, fuck, how would he know?

How should he know?

He sits down by the foot of the sofa, his knees on his chest, letting Iwa speak behind him. He doesn’t know if he could look at him right now. 

“Well fuck Oikawa, I’m sorry” Iwa continues, his slurs are getting harder to understand, “I’m sorry that I’m not enough to be a story you tell to others. I’m sorry that I’m just this” 

Before Oikawa even realizes it, he’s already wiping the tears that are flowing to his cheeks. 

“I’m sorry that I loved you too much that I became just this,” Iwa said finally, before closing his eyes once again, leaving Oikawa breathless beside him, with a decision he needs to do. 

* * *

****AFTER** **

“Sometimes we put people first but we really can’t expect them to do the same for us,” Iwa said quietly, swaying his body to imaginary tunes.

Oikawa nodded, “But still, what I did was not the solution”

“Maybe that’s what we needed at that time. Look at you know, you really did great things, I’m so proud of you”

Oikawa blushes, his eyes turning towards the hard material they were sitting on.

“It wasn’t worth it,” Oikawa said in all honestly. “It wasn’t worth losing you, not even for a little.”

* * *

****BEFORE** **

****

“The tides look calm today,” Iwa said, looking at the body of water in front of them, he has an idea what’s going to happen but he just won’t believe it until he heard it from Oikawa first. 

“Yeah, yeah it does” Oikawa answered simply, his legs are crossed in front of him and his hands are fidgeting by his lap. 

“So this is the end huh?” Iwa said, getting to the point, there’s no need in prolonging this even further. 

Oikawa looks up, to see Iwa already looking at him, expectant of what’s going to happen. “I don’t think that there’s any more point in us continuing, do you?” 

“Do I what?” 

“Do you still want this?” Oikawa asks but he didn’t receive any answer at that. 

“Do you have any regrets?” Iwa asks, completely ignoring Oikawa’s question, no matter what his answer is wouldn’t matter anyway, Oikawa looks like he already made a decision, and who is he to even stop it, plus, he’s tired. 

He’s tired of trying. 

“I have a couple, you?”

“Maybe the fact that I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my promises, the one I made right here,” He said, tapping the spot that they are sitting on. “I wouldn’t be able to shout it out for everyone to hear” 

Oikawa sighs, that’s one of his too, but as he looks into the future he couldn’t really say that that would ever happen. He remembers all of those empty promises that they made when they were a little bit younger, and it pains him that they are just going to end this here. He didn’t know how he remembered almost all of it but like it’s tattooed in his brain he could still recall the words that Iwa promised that afternoon. 

“You know what I’ll tell them when that day comes? I would tell them how much you annoyed me until I realized that you’re the one” 

“I would tell them that there wouldn’t be anything or anyone in this world that could make me happy more than you, and how amazing you are in all ways, even in little ways, even in ways that you get under my skin at times,” 

“I would tell them how much I adore you, everything about you, even those that you don’t show the world, I would finally admit how I love that more than anyone in this world, you chose me, to show parts of yourself completely and that I will always be grateful on how you never hesitate to be honest with me.”

“When that day, where we could finally face the world as each other, without any walls or fear, or anything, just us, without thinking, I would let anyone know how much I love you with all my heart.”

Remembering that now hurts him more than anything else, but like his feet are anchored on the ground and his voice is nowhere to be found, he’s paralyzed. 

Paralyzed with nothing but the lies that he kept telling himself that turned into irrational fears and doubts and now even regret. 

“I’m leaving,” Oikawa said, softly, like he would break something if he spoke a little too loud. 

Iwaizumi looks back at him, urging him to continue.

“I got an offer to go to Brazil” He admitted, smiling sadly at the Iwaizumi. He feels so awful that he’s disgusted with himself, but these vile words are long due and he has to say it to Iwa. 

He ended up doing what he took away from Iwa back then. 

He really is selfish. 

Iwa forces out a smile, shaking off all the bad things that he feels, if this is going to be the last time that he’ll get to spend with Oikawa then he doesn’t want it to be bitter, that’s the least they could do to help each other at this point, “Really when?” 

“Next month” Oikawa answered, shame rushing through his system. 

“Good, that’s good” Iwa replied before looking back towards the sea. “Make sure to take care of yourself once you get there” 

“I will, I promise. You too” 

“Well I’m not going anywhere”

“Still, please take care of yourself” 

“Okay” 

And with that Oikawa stood up, brushing his pants before walking away, that is before he heard Iwa call him back for the last time. 

“Oikawa wait,”

“Hmm?” He hums, curious as to what they could still do. 

“Could you do me a favor?” Iwa asks sheepishly, scratching the back of his head before reaching out to his phone, and choosing the one song that they know oh so well. “Can we have this last dance?”

And with that Oikawa couldn’t help the tears from forming at the corners of his eyes, “Yes of course,” he sobs before he heard the first verse. 

_If I could fly_

_I'd be comin' right back home to you_

_I think I might_

_Give up everything, just ask me to_

Iwa reaches out his hand that Oikawa gladly took, before they got close, swaying to the song that they’ve heard for more than enough times already, but this time the lyrics feels different from how Oikawa understand it from before. 

_For your eyes only_

_I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely_

_And forget who you are_

_I'm missing half of me_

_When we're apart_

_Now you know me_

_For your eyes only_

_For your eyes only_

Oikawa sobs, his hot tears landing on Iwa’s shoulder as he rests his head on it, gripping on Iwa’s sides like all the goodbyes he said doesn’t mean anything at all. His hands are shaking as he heard Iwa humming the song once more, right beside his ears. 

_I can feel your heart inside of mine_

_I feel it, I feel it_

_I've been goin' out of my mind_

_I feel it, I feel it_

_Know that I'm just wastin' time_

_And I hope that you don't run from me._

“Thank you” He whispers, out of breath and lost on his own raging emotions. He can’t believe it. 

He can’t believe that the time has come where he has to let go of the one person that knows him, honestly, completely, and bare. 

_For your eyes only_

_I'll show you my heart_

_For when you're lonely_

_And forget who you are_

_I'm missing half of me_

_When we're apart_

_Now you know me_

_For your eyes only_

As the song ends, the whispers of their final goodbye also left their lips and with that, they went on their own ways without looking back, well for Oikawa that is, but Iwa watched as Oikawa makes his way towards the opposite direction, up until he couldn't see him anymore. 

* * *

****AFTER** **

Oikawa wipes the tears that found their way back to his cheeks like it has been these couple of years.

“I wish you were here Iwa, even for just the last time, please” he sobs, looking at the empty spot beside him. Maybe it’s not smart for him to imagine the things that he would have said to Iwa if they meet once again and maybe Imagining what Iwa would say to him if that did happen is worse, but he just couldn’t help it,

He misses him.

He misses him so much.

And it pains him how he didn’t have the chance to let the world know about how Iwa means to him when Iwa was still here.

His lips are quivering as he hugs his figure, the coldness of being alone finally getting to him. His mind on the thing that could have happened if Iwa could still hear him.

What was he thinking giving a fuck on what other people would say to them when all that really mattered was Iwa and now he’s gone and he couldn’t take back anything that he has done.

“I love you Iwa and I miss you, I miss you so much it hurts.” He sobs, almost screaming into the scene in front of him, “It hurts so much”

* * *

 ****BEFORE** ** ****

Oikawa couldn’t help the smile that is plastered on his face, it’s their first win, and damn it feels so good. He looks around as if waiting to see a familiar smile that would congratulate him before he remembers that that wouldn’t happen because Iwa is not here and this is too far from his home, but maybe some other time he could try to give Iwa a call, and maybe he could ask how he’s doing, but right now he has to set those thoughts aside as he smiles at his teammates, being congratulated by the people that watched their game.

He wonders if Iwa is watching too, he thought before he joins the group for a couple of photos, smiling as he couldn’t believe that they finally got what they came here for, he was about to talk to their coach when their manager approaches him, giving him his phone. 

“Oikawa!” She called, a little loud so that Oikawa would actually hear her. “It’s for you, I think it’s really important” 

Oikawa furrowed his eyebrows, reaching for the phone before listening to the other person on the other line. 

“Oikawa” he heard Takahiro's voice.

Upon hearing what comes next made his heart drop, and everything felt like spinning. His stomach feels like it’s being squeezed. He couldn’t completely comprehend what was being said to him but the words that he could understand made him grip his chest that feels like its being pulled apart. 

_“It was an accident”_

_“He was about to get home when a truck just came out of nowhere”_

_“drunk driver”_

_“They didn’t make it to the hospital”_

_“I’m sorry Oikawa, I just, I just thought you should know”_

He felt his ears ringing that he almost dropped the phone, pieces of sentences made it to his brain, enough for him to understand what was happening, and before he knows it he was on his knees in front of a lot of people, and for the first time he couldn’t care less of how he looked, even if he looks weak and vulnerable, that’s because he is. 

All he could think of is how he could bring Iwa back, but it’s too late, even if he comes home right this instant.

* * *

****AFTER** **

****

His throat has run dry as he sees the sun rising, he didn’t even realize that he already spent the whole night in the freezing cold if it weren’t for his alarm going off. His body is sore as he is laying down on the cold and hard dock that they always go to when they were still together, his fingers are aching and his neck is stiff as he looks up at the sky that looks so much like Iwaizumi.

The resemblance really is uncanny.

He said before that if he could paint a picture of Iwaizumi it would be a picture of a clear sky and that didn’t change at all.

Even now, he couldn’t still see Iwa clearly when he looks at the vibrant color of the early morning, giving people strength and another chance and it’s hurting him even more. He hugs his frail figure, not giving a fuck if someone saw him laying here at this time of the day as he looks back to all the things that he had with Iwa.

All the beautiful things.

If he really thinks about it, and if he digs deep into his own being, he would know that everything about Iwa is beautiful.

As he listens to the song that they shared together, his heart breaks from all the regret that he has. Iwa was nothing less than all the good things life has to offer, in everything that he does he reminded Oikawa on how to live, and now that he’s not here, he doesn’t know where to start again.

He hates his mind for thinking that this might be the last place where Iwa was seen before the accident, and he hates that he couldn’t forgive himself even after thinking that Iwa wouldn’t want him to bring this baggage in all of his remaining days, but his mind is already there even before he knows it.

He sniffles, sitting up and looking directly at the water in front of him, it doesn’t look too deep nor too shallow, and he wanted to ask why didn’t they think of ever going swimming by these beautiful waters.

Iwa would have loved that.

Iwa would have loved many more things.

He sighs as he dips his feet on the freezing water slowly, feeling the frost eat away in his sensitive skin. They say that being cold hurts but Oikawa couldn’t really tell if what’s hurting him was the cold or was it from everything else.

He stayed like that for a couple of minutes before drying himself off, standing up and walking away for the second time.

This time, this exact moment, he really doesn’t have any reason to come back.

**\- END**

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this, have a great day ahead! 
> 
> twt: @lameforkei and @offgunpointe


End file.
